40 Days of Sharing: Deepening Our Conversations

As we continue our 40 Days of Sharing, we move from Noticing and Praying into the next crucial step: Listening and Asking Questions. Engaging in spiritual conversations starts with truly hearing people and seeking to understand their hearts.

The Art of Listening

During these 40 Days of Sharing, we will be exploring the 9 Arts of Spiritual Conversations from the book by that name by Schaller and Crilly. Let’s prepare our hearts to serve with our next art, Listening.

Proverbs 18:13 – To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.

How many times have we done this—answered someone before actually listening to them? I have been guilty of this. Or maybe while we are “listening” to them, we are actually formulating our highly prepared biblical responses. All the while, not actually hearing anything they said. The questions behind their questions. What may be really going on in their heart.

We can only come to this place of really hearing someone when we have prepared our hearts to lay aside our agenda and really receive what someone is saying—listen to them. Everyone has a story to tell, and everyone is a part of God’s story.

Many of us can feel uncomfortable with silence or doubt. We can feel uneasy around unanswered spiritual questions, especially if we don’t feel like we’re prepared to give them a good enough answer. But a good listener can handle unresolved emotion or unanswered questions. Sometimes we can feel confident to leave them in God’s hands and trust that His truth will be revealed to them in His timing.

When we surrender our desire to be the expert and our need to resolve differences immediately, we’ll see barriers to listening dissolve. A part of our spiritual journey is discovery, and this requires patience to allow that discovery to unfold for others, and to not interrupt this process.

Also, it’s important for us to know that many times people don’t want our answers; what they really want is a friend.

Listening requires putting others first. We see this in Jesus when He interacted with people. He listened, and then usually He asked questions later. Listening is love. We are seeking to understand the other person, rather than insisting they understand us.

We can begin to learn to be Reflective Listeners. We reflect the person’s words back to them to ensure we are understanding what they are saying. And once they feel heard, we can then ask follow-up questions.

• “I think I hear you saying…”
• “Tell me more…”

We become curious about the person and let go of our need to control the outcome of the conversation.

The Art of Asking Questions

You may not think this is an art, but it requires us to get out of our own experience and to begin to be curious about another’s experience. This art invites you to directly engage with another person and create an environment for meaningful conversation. Curiosity moves us from our last art of Listening to Asking Questions and fully engaging. When we care about a person, we are motivated to know more, understand better, and explore deeper.

The key is also being sensitive to God’s timing for beginning to ask questions. If we rush in and interrogate someone insensitively, we run the risk of killing the conversation—and the relationship. Curiosity focuses our attention on someone else, not just ourselves or our agendas. Good questions are open-ended, concise, and help people to feel safe and understood.

Some simple questions to approach others with:

• History: “Where are you from?” “What is your faith background?”
• Transitions: “Where are you now?” “What’s been going on in your life lately?”
• Principles: “How did you get here?” “Why did you go into this line of work?” “Who do you count on for spiritual advice?”
• Goals: “Where are you going?” “What would you like your faith to look like?” “What do you think about life after death?”

Notice that there is a progression to these questions. If you go up to a stranger and ask them a question on their goals, “Where will you go when you die?”, chances are you will come off as rude and a religious nut. But as you build relational trust and move from questions of History, through Transitions and Principles, over time, you can get to the questions that lead them deeper into the goals they may have for their faith. Connection builds trust, and trust is the bridge that can bear the weight of truth.

And pay attention to their answers. Questions help to uncover people’s hearts and expose the things that stand between them and God. What their responses will reveal will be the material that we use to begin to explore the answers that they are seeking together. It is an opportunity to not have all the answers, but to point them to the One who does.

What are some simple questions that you have asked those you are sharing with this week?

Share their responses and let’s pray together for the fruit of those conversations to grow into faith!

— Pastor Zoe