Is Your Relationship a Drama Duo? How Childhood Love Styles Create Conflict—and How God Can Heal Them
Why Do Relationships Feel So Dramatic Sometimes?
Have you ever asked yourself:
- Why do we keep having the same fight over and over again?
- Why do I feel like I’m always chasing closeness while my spouse runs away?
- Why do I shut down when emotions get intense?
These are the kinds of questions Josh and Zoe Hatcher wrestled with in their marriage. In Part 3 of the Language of Love series at Open Arms Community Church in Bradford, PA, they shared openly about their struggles and the breakthrough moments God brought.
The truth is this: the drama in their relationship was tied to patterns they had formed growing up—patterns known as love styles.
What Are Love Styles and Why Do They Matter?
A love style is the relational pattern you learned in childhood based on how you received love, comfort, or connection. These early lessons often carry into adulthood, quietly shaping the way you interact with others.
Some common love styles include:
- The Avoider – keeps emotions at a distance, minimizes conflict, avoids vulnerability.
- The Vacillator – longs for closeness but fears abandonment; swings between high hopes and deep disappointment.
- The Pleaser – works hard to keep peace but hides true needs.
- The Controller or Victim – patterns that create chaos, tension, and power struggles.
Josh identified as an Avoider. Zoe discovered she was a Vacillator. Together, these styles created what they called a Drama Duo—a predictable cycle of frustration and withdrawal.
👉 Curious about your own love style? Take the quiz here: Discover Your Love Style and Break Free from Unhealthy Patterns.
Why Do Couples Keep Fighting the Same Fight?
Have you noticed how the same arguments repeat—no matter the topic? That’s not coincidence. It’s what relationship experts call a core pattern.
For Josh and Zoe, it looked like this:
- Zoe’s anxiety built up, and she expressed frustration to connect.
- Josh felt overwhelmed and shut down.
- Zoe felt dismissed and invisible, so she escalated.
- Josh retreated further, waiting for it to “blow over.”
And the cycle started again.
This is what the Apostle Paul described in Romans 7:15:
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”
What Does the Bible Say About These Cycles?
The Bible doesn’t shy away from the conflicts in relationships.
- Jeremiah 17:9 – “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”
- James 4:1–3 – “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?”
- Ephesians 5:25–28 – “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…”
Josh admitted he often used scripture the wrong way—seeing Zoe as “quarrelsome” and justifying avoidance. But God’s Word calls us to engage with love, not retreat in self-protection.
Can God Really Heal a Drama Duo?
Yes. God can bring breakthrough, even when patterns feel unshakable.
Lamentations 3:22–23 reminds us:
“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
For Josh and Zoe, healing began with:
- Counseling — safe space to listen instead of react.
- Vulnerability — learning to share grief, shame, and struggles instead of hiding.
- Spiritual focus — inviting God into the heart of their marriage, not just trying harder on their own.
A turning point came when Josh finally shared the grief of losing his father. Instead of bottling it up, he let Zoe comfort and pray for him. That moment of honesty and vulnerability helped restore real intimacy.
What Other “Drama Duos” Exist?
Josh and Zoe’s Avoider-Vacillator pairing is just one example. Other love-style pairings create their own drama loops:
- Pleaser + Vacillator → The Weary
- Avoider + Pleaser → The Chase
- Avoider + Avoider → The Roommates
- Pleaser + Pleaser → Denial
- Vacillator + Vacillator → Bi-Polar cycles
- Controller + Victim → Chaotic tension
When you recognize your own dynamic, you can start to break the pattern.
How Do You Break Free from the Crazy Cycle?
Josh and Zoe described a biblical path they call the Comfort Circle:
- Stop Denial & Seek Awareness – Acknowledge what’s really happening.
- Choose to Engage – Don’t avoid emotions; step into the conversation.
- Explore Feelings – Reflect back what you heard so the other person feels understood.
- Resolve Conflict – Work to meet needs instead of defending yourself.
As Jesus commanded in John 13:34–35:
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”
Final Thoughts
Relationships aren’t doomed to repeat old cycles. The patterns you learned in childhood—your love style—may shape your struggles today, but they don’t have to define your future.
If your marriage or family feels stuck in a Drama Duo, take hope: with God’s love, vulnerability, and practical steps toward healing, you can break free from the crazy cycle and experience real connection.
👉 Ready to take the next step? Discover your Love Style today and learn how God can reshape your story.