Letting Go: a Lenten Week 4 Reflection on Surrender, Release, Repentance
The Garbage Can of Tears
Breath Prayer:
Inhale: “Search my heart, Lord”
Exhale: “Set my heart on you.”
Why Repent?
As a young kid I knew every paint stroke in the corners of my grandparents’ house. I saw globs and thin parts where I could almost see the white of the wall underneath. I knew all of this not because I cared about paint being seven or eight years old, but because my grandparents would always stick my nose in the corner if I was misbehaving.
Which turned out to be quite a lot, unfortunately. I would stand there 5-10 minutes staring at dry paint not actually reflecting on what I did wrong just long enough for my grandparents to think I was sorry. I mean a couple minutes without a toy or the TV and ‘thinking about what I did wrong’ seemed just about as big of an apology as I thought I needed. Sure they got a half hearted I’m sorry, but my behavior never changed after I was let go from the corner.
For a long time I figured that’s what fasting and repentance just about was. Feeling bad enough long enough to prove that I was sorry.
But Lent had a way of exposing what little we understand about returning to God.
Recently I’ve learned that true repentance is not about punishment, it’s about coming home to a loving Father who’s waiting for you.
Coming home, however, may not be as easy as you think.
Trash Can Tears
The first few items that were handed to me when I started college were my class schedule, a map, and a few beers. From my first moments on campus drinking started to become a big problem for me. Weekend benders at City Line, dorm room darties, and pre-class pre-gaming. That was my life. It lasted my whole college career right until recently. I was at work on a lunch break and I had a moment of sincere prayer with God that the life I was living was so unfulfilling and numbing.
I was lost, but I was the one that ran off the path God laid out for me. I didn’t know how to turn my life around or really ask for help. But in my meek and painful prayer I said, “God, I’ve said I’m sorry too many times and I need to actually change something.”
In that moment a quiet voice whispered through my mind that said two terrifying words. Dump it. God didn’t send me a verse saying, “rely on the love God has for you”, or “ the Lord is compassionate and gracious.” No, God commanded me to do something hard, dump it all out and repent. So, I found myself opening up handle after handle and bottle after bottle to dump it down the drain.
As I quietly threw the bottles and cans away I found myself crying over my garbage can. Part of me was crying because I could feel shackles falling off of my life, yet there was another part of myself that was mourning.
My old self was dying before my eyes, the parties, last calls, beer pong and everything else in between was dead. But the glory and holiness of God’s grace was finally able to wash over me in that moment. I was no longer walking alone, but I was able to repent and turn away from that sin in order to walk in step with the Holy Spirit.
Why Repent?
Repentance is not standing in a corner long enough for God to believe we are sorry. It is an active pursuit of turning from sin and realizing that He was never trying to shame us. Our loving Father just wanted us home and in his presence,
Repentance is one of the hardest things that you’ll do because something has to die– whether it’s drinking, pride, porn, or habits we’ve built our identity around that keep us from seeing the Father.
I’ll even add, it could be something that comforts us that we could never imagine living without. Whatever it is, let me encourage you that what dies in repentance makes room for something far greater to live. When I bent over that trash can with tears falling next to empty bottles, I wasn’t proving my sorrow to God. I was finally trusting Him enough to change direction. Repentance was never meant to be a punishment, it has always been freedom.
That’s why lent matters. This is the perfect time to slow down and really listen to the quiet voice of God asking us to release what is keeping us from Him.
Maybe repentance begins here, with something small:
Inhale: Search my heart, Lord.
Exhale: Set my heart on you,
